Dramatic broken hearts

So this is it.

 So this is the moment when you realize that there was nothing left to the carcass of your relationship before you even accepted that it had died. 

This is the moment when you see the txt drifting off. The endless one sided  conversation become lonelier and lonelier.  

This is the moment you see that you pushed out everything you had until the last drop and that maybe it wasn't as selfless as you'd intended. 

Maybe you did give with expectation of return. But what truly is a relationship if not that. A give and take. 

Did you really live in such a fantasy world that you convinced yourself the two of you worked. That you worked. That you were functioning. 

The best you can do is pick up that heavy piece of luggage known as the vascular work horse of the body brush it off and try not guard it with such angst. 

Then again this entire act is that of angst in itself. 

I'm gonna make like Elsa and "Let it go"

Words from the heart.

Captured within the Binds of my own heart. The cellblock prison which I constructed from the ground up. I see my frailty and my wrong. I see my power and my strength. I feel my love was strong enough but constant.

Leave behind self-pity and loneliness to take up a spirit of faith and adventure. Persevere onward toward the goal laid out before you. Breathe in the sun's sweet redemption. Forgive all those around you and most importantly forgive yourself. Release the bonds of this old world for she has taught you poorly. The lessons lay all around you in the passing of centuries left in ruin. Let go of those old thoughts and lean in closely to hear the words of new ones. The words radiate from the heart and from the hearts of all those around you even places you never once would have never thought could carry such brilliant joyful messages. You must listen closely for the heart it whispers. She has grown too timid from ages on ages of being forced to lay quiet within all of us. Take each day boldly and smile knowing you have come so much further than even you know now in your present state. 

Release your expectations and ownership of anything in this life. Know that you share everything you have. To give away anything you own, any piece of you even your words thoughts and smallest possessions is an active complete compassion and the purest love. Giving is an act of penance to the world for a goal of connectedness. Remember everyone that you meet is going through some ordeal something you may not know or be able to comprehend. As human beings we all share joy and experience a well of life that we all drink from the minute we take our first breath. We are one singular thing and entity sharing a beautiful world. Even in the darkest of times after your worst mistakes and downfalls there is the light embrace it be a part of it. Be an extension of light and love. Also forget not your weaknesses and dark sides know what serves you well and what serves others and even though they may not be the prettiest of sites embrace them as well. Do not always of self-service but be of service all those who's paths you cross even though she would have your head on a plate.

Love is Light. Light is life. Life is something we all share. Sharing is the Light. And the Light is love. 

somethjng old I dug up

anger.
it comes in so many forms.
ushering in the pressure of the chest cavity. following shorty sometimes is disappointment. for me the two go hand in hand.
the anger of being let down.
but is it anger? or hurt just masquerading as hate?
who wants to admit to themselves they've been hurt?  It's really except all the self-loathing and humiliation that comes with the admittance of actually being hurt by another person. Although the pity party sympathy train is quite often easy route to take when you really take it all and it's a little more embarrassing than anything else.
at anytime for me its hard. let down after let down throughout life.
its easier for me to turn it over in my mind behind that mask.

A twinge of Indigo sunrise from the Gemini next to me in bed

I recently read a piece that really cut me to the core. I wrote it out of frustration and anger and pain. The object of this writing was another but upon a second glance I realize there was more in the piece about myself than there ever could've been about the other. The words drug on crying of pain and a broken heart per usual what less is to be expected from this dramatic romantic gay boy that I am.  He talked about how much of a fool I am how much before I've always been. How I felt rejected and made a fool for all those around me to gauk and laugh. The one line that sticks out of my mind now is "you spit my love back at me. Spewing it out as bitter and sour as you could make it leaving it to sting and Burn And blind the eyes."
What is fortunate thing that I was already blind long before the sting settled into my eyes deep and strong.
Reading to the peace again and again I realized all the things I had to say about you were the same things I had to say about me. These twists and turns I swear your personality made. The forced ups and downs and fabricated fear. The betrayal. They could all just as easily be said by me about me. After writing this to her three page piece of work and, when I say two or three pages I mean two three notepad pages in the iPhone, with such depth and forcity only one good thing came of it. At the end of the piece I spoke about how I would always do anything for you. How my sacrifice for your happiness was a task that I would gladly take on again and again every day. How even after all the things that have happened even if they are only fabricated in my mind the pain that I felt the trail that I've seen and the hurt that I live I still only want to see that smile. Even if, actually most of all, that smile is not gifted to me. Whether it was a make-believe land or a true to life All My Children I felt the true self sacrifice of loving someone. When you have true love in your heart for another person you were quite literally be willing to lay your life down on the tracks for them. I know now what it feels like to give up everything you have in hopes that you will make someone else happy I'm doing it willingly. Even if we were to walk away from each other this very second me with the gushing wound in my side I would still hope that anything I could do would make you smile someway.
I can only hope and pray that in the future I come to a greater understanding of what this was, what we were and who I am in this crazy world. Even if I never understand another stitch of it I am more than grateful for the time that I was gifted to spend with you.
Thank you Sweet Boy.

muddled thought

what is there to say?
how can it be formed into simple new times roman words on the screen.

a loss of direction
a loss of self understanding.

heavy heart and weighted soul struggle onward while the dark closes in all around.

separate. how far way can you feel from all those around you?
separate from all that seems natural normal and right.

people are constantly striving towards something.
the focal point varies from person to person.
perfection, love, wealth, beauty, power

lately the thought of "what are you striving for?" has crossed my mind. again and again the question returns, I struggle for an answer.

of course there are things I hope for in life. Dreams and ambitions you might call them. but do i want out of life.

one moment to the next

days spent on the seat of a wishing well
while hours burn in yearning

time is sweet fiction
awaiting plot's slow dictation

growing deep within
meek roots seep through sullen soil to find a centered ground

breath and stride at face pace
anxious to run and leap toward an unknown

beyond fleeting moments of gratification

surpassing the intertwining matters of the beating heart

eclipsing the dreams of carefree endless juvenescence

a final and first step
the shrouded road being laid out with each tread
one moment to the next

yesterday

untouchable youth

resilient and determined

invincible beyond wildest belief

heading no caution

walk the path. toe the line. tread the deep.

foolish stride

We'll never ever know...

how long must you wait for the storm to finally pass through? seems an eternity has crept by, and all the while the shore slipping away with the constant slamming of swells.

how can the bird fly when its feathers were destined to burn and fade?

how can the tree grow when its leaves were destined to be pruned even before they had the chance to unfurl ?

rising up with force for an untouched, untainted beginning. out stretched arms to pierce though the glass cage laid out before birth.

no longer willing to be bound up with your past. you laid your paths out they way you both chose and mine will not be swayed by yours. change is never to far out of your grasp. but i will not be there to help extend the reach...its now my own turn to lay my path.

i miss u mrs manale.

constant beating. uncontrollable and relentless. bringing with it the ripping apart of the face, forcing the breath just out of reach.

sense of longing and desire of aversion lay in the same bed.

tearing the path from within to streak the skin.

clutching skin and contorting body

relentless waves flowing over and atop one another.

release. release. release.

but it never ends

Old writing

I recently went on an excavation excursion to that failed time-tested social gathering of "myspace" and read my old blogs. During this jaunt I uncovered a treasure trove of lost thought and emotions . Even though the people and things masked by my, at best "illusive" and "concealing", style of writing have long since dissipated I decided to post one of them. enjoy.

"torn? "
Current mood:selfishly confused

feeling torn between two things that i am both without.

waiting at a cross road and having to choose a pathway but the roads only exist in a dream...a mirage. and with the morning i discover neither routes lay ahead.

left standing in a room with two locked doors to which i have foolishly gambled away the keys.

my heart lacks the luxury of choosing one door or the other. i closed and chained them both out of my own will and discretion...in doing so i unfairly wounded those on the other side without warning.

phantom urges and desires that have long past onward...
but they each return so frequently.

reaching across for something that is no longer there for me to embrace and fall back on. yet the lingering remnants of these connections feel as real and present as the earth beneath my feet.

i find myself questioning both

was one just a temporary replacement for the other? am i feeling the need to retrace steps to only fill a void?

i am not depressed. rather the word that comes closer but does not describe my state is "yearning". but for which door or road i am not sure.

and with these questions and statements i find again that i have not the keys nor ability to move towards an answer.

if i sound crazy its probably because i am.

Sometimes you can catch people just like you catch a bad cold. They sneak up on you when you're not focused and attack. Then, in what seems like a never ending effort to break you down, they just linger and linger. Leaving your body riddled sickness. Every corner aches to dispel the nasty little virus.
People like that need to be removed from your life. lol

a little faith and a lot of heart.

You understand the wind and you're friends with the rain.

Laughter is your heart.
Music and art are your breath.
Passion is your voice.
and vision is your soul.

In the still dark you know the secret words to illuminate the fireflies and the moon.

But so wild and free...you were the sand slipping through my fingers on the shore.
Never holding tight enough to take you in.

and with the first rising ray of sun over the horizon there is no you, only me

who are you?
where are you?

the muscle that makes us confess

The heart beats strong and heavy.
It remembers the moments our body and mind so quickly attempt to remove from their repertoire.
It has such ferocious strength; like nothing else known within the history of the human spirit.
It can force you to drive forward without fear all the while ignorant for the perilous journey towards the unknown.
It can give you the strength to stand when you have no legs, it can give you a melody to sing when you have no voice,
but at the same time just a mere pebble along the road can leave it shattered around you.


How it is able to keep you wishing, wanting and praying?

Such a strange creature living and breathing inside of you...hiding your deepest desires locked away.

i can feel it there now. beating. waiting. wondering.

its all been done

Every time I think of you I see things that slipped from my hands like sand through my fingers.

You have not one name and face, but several.

There are not many any reasons for me to turn my head and observe those landmarks which had been abandoned along the road, but none the less...I still do. I suppose for no other reason but nostalgia and nostalgia alone.

I think about them rarely, but when they surface in the corners of my mind they bring a soft pain to serve as a reminder. A reminder of mistakes.

And also as a reminder of triumph in the dark times.

I dare not say farewell to these scattered thoughts, events, and memories; for they are the fabric of which my life is woven. In whatever strange pattern they change and effect my soul...

Katie Holmes made me not "Get Happy"

So...hate me if you want but I HAD to get this out!!!!


For those of you who caught the results show for SYTYCD this week (being Thursday July 23rd) then you were given the pleasure, or the unfortunate chance, to watch Katie Holmes make a COMPLETE and TOTAL mockery out of all that is good in the eyes of the "stage".


I mean, really lady...
that was a very poor choice on the creative side of the show but....she was still totally awful!
Not only was the the song prerecorded in a studio, but her voice could not have withstood even the slightest bit more of filtering or editing. Her lip sync looked like a drag queen at Pulse on amateur night! And I'm going to stop now without even getting into her "dancing"...I think that display speaks for itself...


I know this was really harsh but it just frustrates me that she can be looked at and applauded for that...just because she is signing a check for a dance foundation...get real.


and one last thing....
in the interview Katie described her piece:
"this is sort of an homage to Judy Garland" ....BITCH Judy was ROLLING over in her grave!!! u dumped shit out an a classic Judy performance!


i leave you now to compare for yourselves.

Tending the Soul

Ground your roots deep within your heart and soul.
Feed them your deepest desires, thoughts and beliefs.
Let them lead you in the right direction, the one in which your heart finds peace and joy.

Allow your branches to stretch out to all walks of life. Let your leaves unfurl in the infinite breeze of time.

Leave your mark on everything and everyone you may come in contact with and let them leave a mark on you.

And if someone decides to trim a piece of you, bandage yourself and find the strength to to grow and move on.

Never allow yourself to stop growing toward the sky. The strength you need is already there within...all you need is to remember the power of learning and living.

Soak in the sunshine of the world around you and you will find endless possibilities.

comes and goes

Your guarded, judgmental eyes burn through my soul without a single glance.

Your unspoken words and thoughts grate against my innards.

Where I once saw comfort and safety i now only find locked doors and empty distaste.

This was never meant for this harsh and darkened road.

I asked for friendship and understanding...

acceptance

I have found that acceptance is CRUCIAL to survival in this world
Although they are all different types of "acceptance" they all flow together.

You must accept the situations you find yourself in. Not to say that you can't change those situations but realize that the situation before you IS reality and nothing can change it for the present time. Your movement through time can only change the course. Take the things you are dealt and make them work.

You must accept who you are at your most basic, bare and inner levels. Do not fight to change because you are being told to. Balance who you are against the morals and beliefs that you find true and then change to match those. Inward change without true belief or understanding is a futile and treacherous journey for the soul.

Accept when things have passed. There are beginnings and endings all around us. You must be able to understand when they show themselves to you. Do what you can, but denial is only going to force you into a pit.

Accept those around you for what they are. Everyone has something to bring to the table of your life...have a spoon full and appreciate them for it.

Accept the choices that you make in life. Those choices and decisions may not always be the best and you can always learn from them, but none the less they are yours. Apologize for them when you see fit and fix the messes you make, but remember you made them for a reason.

accept the truth and nothing else.

reckless addiction

(so...I wrote this with alot of things in mind. It applies to lots of different things in lots of different ways...so i think anyone could relate to it. enjoy)



At the end of the day the long and the short of it is...I'm addicted.

It's pretty shitty.

There's a drug and I just so happen to be the addict.

You can find no high school classes discouraging its exposure or use.

No preachers are heard heeding warnings to the masses.

There is no loyal band of mothers battling against its growing hold on there youth.

There are no clinics, support groups, or rehabs available to aide in treatment.

There are no t-shirts, magazine ads, commercials, bracelets, or buttons informing the public on its dangerously altering side effects.

It's pretty shitty.

This drug is not illegal in the United States nor is it considered unlawful anywhere within the four corners of the globe.

Like any addiction its early use provides the explorers with a sense of of pleasure or some form of euphoria.

But, in the end it proves itself to be, in true fashion, an addictive and destructive drug.

I can't seem to shake its cling to my skin, nor its grasp on my soul.

It finds me....always.

It's pretty shitty.