I recently read a piece that really cut me to the core. I wrote it out of frustration and anger and pain. The object of this writing was another but upon a second glance I realize there was more in the piece about myself than there ever could've been about the other. The words drug on crying of pain and a broken heart per usual what less is to be expected from this dramatic romantic gay boy that I am. He talked about how much of a fool I am how much before I've always been. How I felt rejected and made a fool for all those around me to gauk and laugh. The one line that sticks out of my mind now is "you spit my love back at me. Spewing it out as bitter and sour as you could make it leaving it to sting and Burn And blind the eyes."
What is fortunate thing that I was already blind long before the sting settled into my eyes deep and strong.
Reading to the peace again and again I realized all the things I had to say about you were the same things I had to say about me. These twists and turns I swear your personality made. The forced ups and downs and fabricated fear. The betrayal. They could all just as easily be said by me about me. After writing this to her three page piece of work and, when I say two or three pages I mean two three notepad pages in the iPhone, with such depth and forcity only one good thing came of it. At the end of the piece I spoke about how I would always do anything for you. How my sacrifice for your happiness was a task that I would gladly take on again and again every day. How even after all the things that have happened even if they are only fabricated in my mind the pain that I felt the trail that I've seen and the hurt that I live I still only want to see that smile. Even if, actually most of all, that smile is not gifted to me. Whether it was a make-believe land or a true to life All My Children I felt the true self sacrifice of loving someone. When you have true love in your heart for another person you were quite literally be willing to lay your life down on the tracks for them. I know now what it feels like to give up everything you have in hopes that you will make someone else happy I'm doing it willingly. Even if we were to walk away from each other this very second me with the gushing wound in my side I would still hope that anything I could do would make you smile someway.
I can only hope and pray that in the future I come to a greater understanding of what this was, what we were and who I am in this crazy world. Even if I never understand another stitch of it I am more than grateful for the time that I was gifted to spend with you.
Thank you Sweet Boy.
A twinge of Indigo sunrise from the Gemini next to me in bed
muddled thought
what is there to say?
how can it be formed into simple new times roman words on the screen.
a loss of direction
a loss of self understanding.
heavy heart and weighted soul struggle onward while the dark closes in all around.
separate. how far way can you feel from all those around you?
separate from all that seems natural normal and right.
people are constantly striving towards something.
the focal point varies from person to person.
perfection, love, wealth, beauty, power
lately the thought of "what are you striving for?" has crossed my mind. again and again the question returns, I struggle for an answer.
of course there are things I hope for in life. Dreams and ambitions you might call them. but do i want out of life.
one moment to the next
days spent on the seat of a wishing well
while hours burn in yearning
time is sweet fiction
awaiting plot's slow dictation
growing deep within
meek roots seep through sullen soil to find a centered ground
breath and stride at face pace
anxious to run and leap toward an unknown
beyond fleeting moments of gratification
surpassing the intertwining matters of the beating heart
eclipsing the dreams of carefree endless juvenescence
a final and first step
the shrouded road being laid out with each tread
one moment to the next
yesterday
untouchable youth
resilient and determined
invincible beyond wildest belief
heading no caution
walk the path. toe the line. tread the deep.
foolish stride
We'll never ever know...
how long must you wait for the storm to finally pass through? seems an eternity has crept by, and all the while the shore slipping away with the constant slamming of swells.
how can the bird fly when its feathers were destined to burn and fade?
how can the tree grow when its leaves were destined to be pruned even before they had the chance to unfurl ?
rising up with force for an untouched, untainted beginning. out stretched arms to pierce though the glass cage laid out before birth.
no longer willing to be bound up with your past. you laid your paths out they way you both chose and mine will not be swayed by yours. change is never to far out of your grasp. but i will not be there to help extend the reach...its now my own turn to lay my path.
i miss u mrs manale.
constant beating. uncontrollable and relentless. bringing with it the ripping apart of the face, forcing the breath just out of reach.
sense of longing and desire of aversion lay in the same bed.
tearing the path from within to streak the skin.
clutching skin and contorting body
relentless waves flowing over and atop one another.
release. release. release.
but it never ends
