Dramatic broken hearts

So this is it.

 So this is the moment when you realize that there was nothing left to the carcass of your relationship before you even accepted that it had died. 

This is the moment when you see the txt drifting off. The endless one sided  conversation become lonelier and lonelier.  

This is the moment you see that you pushed out everything you had until the last drop and that maybe it wasn't as selfless as you'd intended. 

Maybe you did give with expectation of return. But what truly is a relationship if not that. A give and take. 

Did you really live in such a fantasy world that you convinced yourself the two of you worked. That you worked. That you were functioning. 

The best you can do is pick up that heavy piece of luggage known as the vascular work horse of the body brush it off and try not guard it with such angst. 

Then again this entire act is that of angst in itself. 

I'm gonna make like Elsa and "Let it go"

Words from the heart.

Captured within the Binds of my own heart. The cellblock prison which I constructed from the ground up. I see my frailty and my wrong. I see my power and my strength. I feel my love was strong enough but constant.

Leave behind self-pity and loneliness to take up a spirit of faith and adventure. Persevere onward toward the goal laid out before you. Breathe in the sun's sweet redemption. Forgive all those around you and most importantly forgive yourself. Release the bonds of this old world for she has taught you poorly. The lessons lay all around you in the passing of centuries left in ruin. Let go of those old thoughts and lean in closely to hear the words of new ones. The words radiate from the heart and from the hearts of all those around you even places you never once would have never thought could carry such brilliant joyful messages. You must listen closely for the heart it whispers. She has grown too timid from ages on ages of being forced to lay quiet within all of us. Take each day boldly and smile knowing you have come so much further than even you know now in your present state. 

Release your expectations and ownership of anything in this life. Know that you share everything you have. To give away anything you own, any piece of you even your words thoughts and smallest possessions is an active complete compassion and the purest love. Giving is an act of penance to the world for a goal of connectedness. Remember everyone that you meet is going through some ordeal something you may not know or be able to comprehend. As human beings we all share joy and experience a well of life that we all drink from the minute we take our first breath. We are one singular thing and entity sharing a beautiful world. Even in the darkest of times after your worst mistakes and downfalls there is the light embrace it be a part of it. Be an extension of light and love. Also forget not your weaknesses and dark sides know what serves you well and what serves others and even though they may not be the prettiest of sites embrace them as well. Do not always of self-service but be of service all those who's paths you cross even though she would have your head on a plate.

Love is Light. Light is life. Life is something we all share. Sharing is the Light. And the Light is love. 

somethjng old I dug up

anger.
it comes in so many forms.
ushering in the pressure of the chest cavity. following shorty sometimes is disappointment. for me the two go hand in hand.
the anger of being let down.
but is it anger? or hurt just masquerading as hate?
who wants to admit to themselves they've been hurt?  It's really except all the self-loathing and humiliation that comes with the admittance of actually being hurt by another person. Although the pity party sympathy train is quite often easy route to take when you really take it all and it's a little more embarrassing than anything else.
at anytime for me its hard. let down after let down throughout life.
its easier for me to turn it over in my mind behind that mask.

A twinge of Indigo sunrise from the Gemini next to me in bed

I recently read a piece that really cut me to the core. I wrote it out of frustration and anger and pain. The object of this writing was another but upon a second glance I realize there was more in the piece about myself than there ever could've been about the other. The words drug on crying of pain and a broken heart per usual what less is to be expected from this dramatic romantic gay boy that I am.  He talked about how much of a fool I am how much before I've always been. How I felt rejected and made a fool for all those around me to gauk and laugh. The one line that sticks out of my mind now is "you spit my love back at me. Spewing it out as bitter and sour as you could make it leaving it to sting and Burn And blind the eyes."
What is fortunate thing that I was already blind long before the sting settled into my eyes deep and strong.
Reading to the peace again and again I realized all the things I had to say about you were the same things I had to say about me. These twists and turns I swear your personality made. The forced ups and downs and fabricated fear. The betrayal. They could all just as easily be said by me about me. After writing this to her three page piece of work and, when I say two or three pages I mean two three notepad pages in the iPhone, with such depth and forcity only one good thing came of it. At the end of the piece I spoke about how I would always do anything for you. How my sacrifice for your happiness was a task that I would gladly take on again and again every day. How even after all the things that have happened even if they are only fabricated in my mind the pain that I felt the trail that I've seen and the hurt that I live I still only want to see that smile. Even if, actually most of all, that smile is not gifted to me. Whether it was a make-believe land or a true to life All My Children I felt the true self sacrifice of loving someone. When you have true love in your heart for another person you were quite literally be willing to lay your life down on the tracks for them. I know now what it feels like to give up everything you have in hopes that you will make someone else happy I'm doing it willingly. Even if we were to walk away from each other this very second me with the gushing wound in my side I would still hope that anything I could do would make you smile someway.
I can only hope and pray that in the future I come to a greater understanding of what this was, what we were and who I am in this crazy world. Even if I never understand another stitch of it I am more than grateful for the time that I was gifted to spend with you.
Thank you Sweet Boy.

muddled thought

what is there to say?
how can it be formed into simple new times roman words on the screen.

a loss of direction
a loss of self understanding.

heavy heart and weighted soul struggle onward while the dark closes in all around.

separate. how far way can you feel from all those around you?
separate from all that seems natural normal and right.

people are constantly striving towards something.
the focal point varies from person to person.
perfection, love, wealth, beauty, power

lately the thought of "what are you striving for?" has crossed my mind. again and again the question returns, I struggle for an answer.

of course there are things I hope for in life. Dreams and ambitions you might call them. but do i want out of life.

one moment to the next

days spent on the seat of a wishing well
while hours burn in yearning

time is sweet fiction
awaiting plot's slow dictation

growing deep within
meek roots seep through sullen soil to find a centered ground

breath and stride at face pace
anxious to run and leap toward an unknown

beyond fleeting moments of gratification

surpassing the intertwining matters of the beating heart

eclipsing the dreams of carefree endless juvenescence

a final and first step
the shrouded road being laid out with each tread
one moment to the next