a little faith and a lot of heart.

You understand the wind and you're friends with the rain.

Laughter is your heart.
Music and art are your breath.
Passion is your voice.
and vision is your soul.

In the still dark you know the secret words to illuminate the fireflies and the moon.

But so wild and free...you were the sand slipping through my fingers on the shore.
Never holding tight enough to take you in.

and with the first rising ray of sun over the horizon there is no you, only me

who are you?
where are you?

the muscle that makes us confess

The heart beats strong and heavy.
It remembers the moments our body and mind so quickly attempt to remove from their repertoire.
It has such ferocious strength; like nothing else known within the history of the human spirit.
It can force you to drive forward without fear all the while ignorant for the perilous journey towards the unknown.
It can give you the strength to stand when you have no legs, it can give you a melody to sing when you have no voice,
but at the same time just a mere pebble along the road can leave it shattered around you.


How it is able to keep you wishing, wanting and praying?

Such a strange creature living and breathing inside of you...hiding your deepest desires locked away.

i can feel it there now. beating. waiting. wondering.

its all been done

Every time I think of you I see things that slipped from my hands like sand through my fingers.

You have not one name and face, but several.

There are not many any reasons for me to turn my head and observe those landmarks which had been abandoned along the road, but none the less...I still do. I suppose for no other reason but nostalgia and nostalgia alone.

I think about them rarely, but when they surface in the corners of my mind they bring a soft pain to serve as a reminder. A reminder of mistakes.

And also as a reminder of triumph in the dark times.

I dare not say farewell to these scattered thoughts, events, and memories; for they are the fabric of which my life is woven. In whatever strange pattern they change and effect my soul...

Katie Holmes made me not "Get Happy"

So...hate me if you want but I HAD to get this out!!!!


For those of you who caught the results show for SYTYCD this week (being Thursday July 23rd) then you were given the pleasure, or the unfortunate chance, to watch Katie Holmes make a COMPLETE and TOTAL mockery out of all that is good in the eyes of the "stage".


I mean, really lady...
that was a very poor choice on the creative side of the show but....she was still totally awful!
Not only was the the song prerecorded in a studio, but her voice could not have withstood even the slightest bit more of filtering or editing. Her lip sync looked like a drag queen at Pulse on amateur night! And I'm going to stop now without even getting into her "dancing"...I think that display speaks for itself...


I know this was really harsh but it just frustrates me that she can be looked at and applauded for that...just because she is signing a check for a dance foundation...get real.


and one last thing....
in the interview Katie described her piece:
"this is sort of an homage to Judy Garland" ....BITCH Judy was ROLLING over in her grave!!! u dumped shit out an a classic Judy performance!


i leave you now to compare for yourselves.

Tending the Soul

Ground your roots deep within your heart and soul.
Feed them your deepest desires, thoughts and beliefs.
Let them lead you in the right direction, the one in which your heart finds peace and joy.

Allow your branches to stretch out to all walks of life. Let your leaves unfurl in the infinite breeze of time.

Leave your mark on everything and everyone you may come in contact with and let them leave a mark on you.

And if someone decides to trim a piece of you, bandage yourself and find the strength to to grow and move on.

Never allow yourself to stop growing toward the sky. The strength you need is already there within...all you need is to remember the power of learning and living.

Soak in the sunshine of the world around you and you will find endless possibilities.

comes and goes

Your guarded, judgmental eyes burn through my soul without a single glance.

Your unspoken words and thoughts grate against my innards.

Where I once saw comfort and safety i now only find locked doors and empty distaste.

This was never meant for this harsh and darkened road.

I asked for friendship and understanding...

acceptance

I have found that acceptance is CRUCIAL to survival in this world
Although they are all different types of "acceptance" they all flow together.

You must accept the situations you find yourself in. Not to say that you can't change those situations but realize that the situation before you IS reality and nothing can change it for the present time. Your movement through time can only change the course. Take the things you are dealt and make them work.

You must accept who you are at your most basic, bare and inner levels. Do not fight to change because you are being told to. Balance who you are against the morals and beliefs that you find true and then change to match those. Inward change without true belief or understanding is a futile and treacherous journey for the soul.

Accept when things have passed. There are beginnings and endings all around us. You must be able to understand when they show themselves to you. Do what you can, but denial is only going to force you into a pit.

Accept those around you for what they are. Everyone has something to bring to the table of your life...have a spoon full and appreciate them for it.

Accept the choices that you make in life. Those choices and decisions may not always be the best and you can always learn from them, but none the less they are yours. Apologize for them when you see fit and fix the messes you make, but remember you made them for a reason.

accept the truth and nothing else.

reckless addiction

(so...I wrote this with alot of things in mind. It applies to lots of different things in lots of different ways...so i think anyone could relate to it. enjoy)



At the end of the day the long and the short of it is...I'm addicted.

It's pretty shitty.

There's a drug and I just so happen to be the addict.

You can find no high school classes discouraging its exposure or use.

No preachers are heard heeding warnings to the masses.

There is no loyal band of mothers battling against its growing hold on there youth.

There are no clinics, support groups, or rehabs available to aide in treatment.

There are no t-shirts, magazine ads, commercials, bracelets, or buttons informing the public on its dangerously altering side effects.

It's pretty shitty.

This drug is not illegal in the United States nor is it considered unlawful anywhere within the four corners of the globe.

Like any addiction its early use provides the explorers with a sense of of pleasure or some form of euphoria.

But, in the end it proves itself to be, in true fashion, an addictive and destructive drug.

I can't seem to shake its cling to my skin, nor its grasp on my soul.

It finds me....always.

It's pretty shitty.

observation II

So i recently had a conversation in my car with two close friends of mine over some cigarettes and good music.

Within this little meeting of the minds the topic on display was "the conversations that go on at work." Understanding the place in which we work is crucial to understanding the following blog...and that place is Walt Disney World Entertainment. Honestly, i believe this is something you can find in any environment, but especially in entertainment anywhere world wide but even more so an epidemic in the microscopic self-righteous bubble of WDW entertainment.

The topic, in a more specific glance, was pertaining to people's private lives and how others find joy in putting those things on display. Not to say, that i have never asked some one a personal question just so that I have the self-assurance of being "in the know" and then immediately turned around and handed it out to others to display that self-assurance, this is an act that I am most definitely guilty of. Its something that I believe everyone has made a habit of at one time or another, and no matter how much u believe you haven't, you have. Its something I have been making a conscious effort to adjust in my life...and admitting that is no small feat for me.

The conversation eventually came the particular subject of not only having people reveal your private information to others but, turning your down falls into gossip or the newest joke.

--You have now become the latest victim of the headline in the tabloid...or the head liner subject on a touring comedian's act. People want to know more and more--
...and why? why the need? I've asked myself that question many times...no answer back yet.

The saddest part is the means in which these most personal moments are dug out of people by those who wish to be "in the know". People tell you that you can trust them...that they care about your well being....that they understand and want to help...that they are so happy for you...
whatever it takes to get the intimate information they need to continue feeding the cycle "self-assurance".

In a separate conversation i had before this one a friend of mine told me some advice that was given by a woman who had had experienced her fair share of this "scene" in this very same place. She said, in a round about way, to keep your life to yourself...share it with those you know will always respect and care for you...people may tell you that they are happy for you, when the truth is they only want to know more about the inner workings of your life to help feed the hope that you will fall and fail.

In the same hand....people talk...and that's no reason to shut yourself up like a hermit not allowing anyone to truly know "you"....and i DO NOT believe that i work in Satan's gossip playground by any means....i don't think anyone, or at least most, does this type of thing to be out right AWFUL...its just something that happens....

When things do become public knowledge, and by things i mean the down falls and embarrassing moments, be careful how quick you are to laugh and scoff at others bleeding, wounded hearts. Or even how quick you are to pass the information around so others may join in on the spectacle.

Just today I did that exact thing. I found myself snickering at and commenting on a situation which I found to be quite a laugh...but I did so with others around me...and one was very quick to remind me that it may not be all that funny...that some one is suffering from the same situation I was finding humor in repeating to others. As i said before..I'm working on it.

And UNDERSTAND, I am by NO MEANS a NUN! trust me I'm not saying its the end of the world if it happens....I mean that's life and its to be expected...it keeps the world going 'round. Just think a little bit longer about what you are going to say before you just let that juicy info FLY RIGHT OUT YO MOUTH. lol



thaks for reading my randomness!

Son Foulard

Just a glance over the shoulder and its within my sight,

Resting tightly inside the grasp of my cast iron bed post,

As always, the rush of pleasant surprise fills my head at the remembrance of its existence.

Its silly really....that such an unimportant object can coax the corners of my mouth up into such a delightful grin

But...

If I look close enough can see your tender laughter in the frayed edges as they dance playfully in the fan's breeze.

I can feel your warm palm clasped in mine as i reach upward, running the fabric in and around my fingers.

I feel the rush of you crash everywhere as I swiftly pull it from the post into my arms ...a temporary replacement to fool my heart for the present moment.

Honestly, I have nothing to truly miss....

But, for the times when I am not able to snap my fingers and have you immediately beside me this memento of "you" has done a good job of pretending.

observation of the week

I have found that life never fails to place me in endless awe of how things change.

So often, i openly admit to being blown away by the constant and dramatic "changes" that make up day to day life. But of all the different types of "change" the ones that mystify and confuse me the most are the changes that occur in relationships.

How is it that two people can at one point in time be the closest friends the earth has ever known and then gradually ,without any explosion of emotion, the two dissipated into an acquaintanceship?

How can a couple of over 30 years suddenly find themselves loathing the person who, for the majority if their life, has brought them the greatest joy they have ever experienced?

How does the sworn off enemy become the devoted friend or gentle lover?

Of course i do in fact know the answer to these questions. People change. But never the less even though one change causes a chain reaction of changes in one's life...the questions how and why will still echo in the back of the mind.

Regardless of this observation be thankful for every change in life...whether it be a positive or a negative...more specifically....be thankful for what the change brings to your life:

a lesson learned
a joyful memory
a new direction
a new friend
a new love
a reason to live
a goal to strive for

everything molds you into who you are. we are all in a state of perpetual motion. everyday and every moment growing to new understanding and becoming a person...even until the day we die.


Second observation for the week
I hate trying to open individually wrapped cold medication!!!! Even though they have labeled the small plastic and foil packages with "peel here" instructions....it is still completely impossible!!! The small flap of the corner, which has supposedly been cut for easy access to the pill, breaks right off when someone tries to peel it off. Its like trying to rob a bank just to get a "Tylenol pm cold"! Maybe people wouldn't do real drugs if it was this damn hard trying to get to them!!!! lol

Summer Winds (very rough rough rough rough draft lol)

(wrote this super fast and very carelessly...don't judge)

swift, gentle beats
growing soft but strong

stolen moments and quiet whispers,
offered in the grasp of dusk and summer

hands like flowers twisting together in the evening breeze
delicately locked...one palm against the other

deep breaths and calming stares

rushing thoughts
buzzing minds

anticipation

nostalgic child

nostalgic
(as defined by Webster's dictionary)

a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition ; also : something that evokes nostalgia

I believe that i was born as a 50 year old little boy....one of the reasons behind this bizarre thought is my extreme nostalgic personality. Even as a child i could never just throw anything away. Something always held such a special memory that i wanted to hold onto forever. So i just kept everything. I guess you could say i have been a pack-rat since birth. Anything i encountered i would save.
example: pillows that i have been using for the last 10 years. first pair of adult sized jazz shoes (and every pair following). ribbons from competitions that i have no idea what i was competing for. every birthday card ive gotten since age 5. Dr. pepper cans that i thought were cool because they had adds for movies that came out in 1995.

An extreme example of this "odd quirk" would be something that i discovered while beginging to move out of my apartment....
In a small shoe box(one of many containing millions of trinkets, books and other random items found in life) i found an old glass ring box. The content of the ring box was the collection of every tooth i had ever lost! I totally forgot that i even had it! CREEPY i kno but slightly laughable.

I'm not sure if i will regret the desiscion to loosen myself from the countless other items, but i basically went at my closet with an axe...i got rid of ALOT! but i kept the teeth lol.

im so strange.

Starting the moving process this morning....

lol a little excited.....

outlet.

So as of late i find that I need something to use as an outlet of sorts.
and I'm going to try my hand at using a blog.

mostly for myself and witting,which i hardly ever get the chance to do, and i miss it so.

latest thought to put down in words:

Black and white is just not alright for me...people who find this "theory" of straight lines and little boxes perplex me so very much.
Why hinder life from breaking free from the black and white boundaries that we have so righteously placed on it.
Life was intended to blur and spin and dance...let go and listen to the sounds around you...
People's voices, thoughts and eyes have so much to show and tell for the class...so much that you have not heard nor yet understand.
Never push those bringing new understandings and points of views to the table away. This is not your place. And if you do force them out...your life will never thrive and grow.